Why Women Fantasise About having sex with their ex whilst having sex with their man (And What It Actually Means)
By Miss Erica Storm — Kink Specialist & Empowerment Coach - 6 minute read
Miss Erica Storm writes and narrates about why women fantasies about other men, when intimate with their partners.
You’re with someone who loves you. You know their hands, their rhythm, the way they say your name. And still — your mind goes somewhere else. Someone else. You’ve wondered what that means. This is the science of why.
If you’ve just finished reading on my substack @TheShadowRoom or listening to “I fantasies about my ex whist having sex with my man” found at the top of this article, you already know you’re not alone in this.
Leave your fantasy in the vault
The ghost in the bed. The ex who shouldn’t still have a place there. The stranger your mind conjures without asking permission.
What the story doesn’t answer — what most women are quietly desperate to know — is why. Not “is this normal” (it is), but what is actually happening inside a woman’s brain when her mind slips elsewhere during sex. And what it says about her desire, her relationship, and her.
Here’s what the research says.
First: how common is this, actually?
Common enough that it has been studied extensively. Common enough that when researchers ask women directly — with anonymity guaranteed — the numbers are striking.
80% of women report having sexual fantasies about someone other than their current partner — including during sex with that partner.
Journal of Sex Research, Lehmiller 2018 — Tell Me What You Want
That is not a fringe statistic. That is the majority. And yet the majority of those same women carry the fantasy in silence, convinced it means something is broken — in them, or in their relationship.
It doesn’t.
• 60% of women’s most common fantasies involve a partner other than their current one
• 65% of women in happy, committed relationships report regular sexual fantasies about other people
• 97% of people have had a sexual fantasy their partner doesn’t know about
The neuroscience: what’s happening in the brain
During sexual arousal, the brain does something counterintuitive. Rather than narrowing attention, it expands it. The prefrontal cortex — the part responsible for logic, social rules, and self-monitoring — begins to quiet. What’s actually happening is that the brain is dropping its filters.
Neuroscientific research on sexual cognition shows that the brain accesses stored emotional and sensory memories during arousal — not as conscious decisions, but as automatic retrieval. The mind pulls from its archive of peak experiences, powerful feelings, and unresolved charge.
That ex? The charge around him isn’t love. It’s unfinished emotional data that your brain has coded as high-intensity. High intensity and arousal are neurologically similar. The brain uses one to amplify the other.
Put plainly: your brain isn’t choosing who you want. It’s reaching for whatever produces the strongest signal. And sometimes — often — that signal comes from complexity, tension, or the past.
Why exes, specifically?
This is one of the most common questions women ask, and one of the most misunderstood answers.
Fantasising about an ex — especially a difficult one — is not evidence of residual love. It is evidence of how memory works.
The brain encodes experiences that carry intense emotion more deeply than neutral ones. Trauma, longing, confusion, obsession — these all produce stronger neurological imprints than calm contentment.
Dr. Helen Fisher’s research on romantic attachment found that the brain regions activated by romantic rejection are the same as those activated by withdrawal from addictive substances. The intensity of a painful relationship can leave neurological traces that mimic craving — long after the relationship is over and long after you consciously want it to be.
So when your body is in a state of arousal and your brain reaches for a high-intensity memory, it may land on someone you left — not because you want to go back, but because that memory is simply louder than the others.
What this is not: disloyalty. A sign your relationship is failing. Your unconscious telling you something is wrong. It is your nervous system doing what nervous systems do: cross-referencing sensation with stored experience.
The dual control model: your personal arousal system
Sex researchers Emily Nagoski and Erick Janssen developed one of the most cited models in sexual psychology: the Dual Control Model. It proposes that the sexual response system has two components — an accelerator (the Sexual Excitation System) and a brake (the Sexual Inhibition System).
Most women have highly sensitive brakes. The weight of performance, expectation, the monitoring of your own body, and the management of another person’s experience — all of these activate the inhibition system even during sex you want and enjoy.
Fantasy removes the brake. When your mind slips elsewhere, it is often slipping into a space where none of the usual monitoring exists. The stranger in the fantasy demands nothing of you. The ex asks no questions. The unnamed face has no needs. That psychological freedom is itself erotic — and has nothing to do with preferring that imagined person to your actual partner.
Women with rich fantasy lives are more sexually satisfied
This is the finding that most surprises people.
Women who report a rich and varied fantasy life are significantly more likely to report sexual satisfaction, higher frequency of orgasm, and greater overall relationship satisfaction — compared to women who suppress or feel shame about their fantasies.
Archives of Sexual Behaviour, Renaud & Byers 1999
The fantasy is not a threat to your sex life. The shame about the fantasy is.
Suppression of sexual thought is well-documented to increase the frequency and intensity of those thoughts — a phenomenon known as the “white bear effect.” The more you try not to think about someone during sex, the more the brain latches on.
What about thinking about someone you know?
Justin Lehmiller’s landmark study of over 4,000 Americans found that fantasies involving people outside the current relationship were among the most universally reported — across relationship types, ages, and levels of relationship satisfaction. The most consistent predictor of a rich fantasy life was not dissatisfaction. It was openness to imagination.
Fantasy is the mind’s way of exploring what it cannot — or will not — do in real life. That exploration is not dangerous. It is psychologically healthy.
The shame is not yours to keep
Every woman who has ever felt guilt for where her mind goes during sex has been handed a story about what “good” women think about. That story has been shaped by cultural interest in keeping female desire quiet, small, and accountable.
The science does not support that story. The science says female fantasy is varied, non-literal, frequently starring people other than current partners, and strongly associated with sexual wellbeing when it is accepted rather than suppressed.
The shame is not a signal from your body. It was installed. And it can be uninstalled.
The bottom line
Thinking about someone else during sex does not mean you want them. It does not mean you love your partner less. It does not mean something is broken in you or in your relationship. It means your brain is doing what human brains do — reaching for intensity, novelty, and freedom in the one space that has never been fully policed. Your mind.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to think about my ex during sex with my current partner?
Yes. Memories of past partners — particularly those involving intense emotion — are among the most commonly reported fantasy material for women in committed relationships. It is a neurological pattern, not an emotional verdict on your current relationship.
Should I tell my partner I think about someone else?
This is a personal decision that depends on your relationship and what you hope to achieve. There is no psychological obligation to disclose fantasy. There is also no evidence that sharing fantasies damages relationships — and some evidence that it can deepen intimacy when handled thoughtfully.
Does having these fantasies mean I’m unhappy in my relationship?
No. Women in happy, satisfied relationships report fantasies about other people at similar or higher rates than those who are dissatisfied. Contentment and erotic imagination are not opposed.
Is there something wrong with me if I fantasise about someone I’d never actually want?
No. This is one of the defining features of sexual fantasy — it frequently involves scenarios or people that would hold no appeal in reality. The fantasy brain is not making requests. It is making theatre.
What does it mean if I fantasise about a stranger or someone dangerous?
Fantasies involving power, danger, or morally complex scenarios are among the most commonly reported by women — and are psychologically healthy when they remain in the imagination. The fantasy does not reflect a wish. It reflects the mind’s drive toward intensity.
You’ve been carrying this long enough.
The Vault is a private, space to say the thing you’ve never said out loud. No replies. No reactions. No judgement. Just you, your voice, and the exhale of finally letting it go.
